


It Must Get Lonely

by Asallia



Category: BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe, Aromantic Character, Divorce, F/F, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Marriage, Meet-Cute, Parenthood, Single Parents, Trans Character, Trans Female Character, Trans Male Character, i made ako and saya's siblings their kids because i was lazy, moms loving moms, no popipa au, tomoe's wife passed away but she's not a bandori character or anything dw, what's better than this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-26
Updated: 2020-09-26
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:53:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26668516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Asallia/pseuds/Asallia
Summary: While picking up her daughter from daycare, Tomoe stumbles into a date with destiny in the form of the cutest baker she's ever seen. Moca's just along for the ride.
Relationships: Aoba Moca & Udagawa Tomoe, Aoba Moca & Yamabuki Saaya, Udagawa Tomoe/Yamabuki Saaya
Comments: 11
Kudos: 29
Collections: Transdori Week 2020





	It Must Get Lonely

**Author's Note:**

> This was a teeeeeensy bit more rushed than I'd care to admit, but hopefully it doesn't read as much like a trainwreck as it felt when I was writing it. Working on this fic has gotten me unreasonably invested in TomoSaya, so it was a lot of fun putting them in a very self-indulgent scenario I've always wanted to write: moms.. loving other moms...... [pleading emoji]
> 
> Written for the wonderful Transdori Week event, and loosely inspired by [this very beautiful song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jq6pNdkHU8g), because I wanted an excuse to make more people listen to The Wonder Years. Two birds with one stone, right?
> 
> Anyways, hope you enjoy reading. c:

There’d been a time in Tomoe Udagawa’s life when she’d been a ladykiller. It felt like a distant memory now that she was approaching thirty and less concerned with grades than back problems, but it was as real as anything else that had ever happened in her life. Girls had fawned over her like moths to a very humble flame, and she’d enjoyed the attention despite her best attempts to deflect it; there’d been something nice about that sense of validation and approval, of feeling wanted.

Still, that time in her life had been bittersweet at best. As nice as the attention was, it was far too little to fill an emptiness in her heart that laid there yawning all the while; it was attention paid towards an idea of her that was entirely fictional, of her as a boy. Her time spent with her best friends in Afterglow was her only solace, but even they provided only cold comfort when she couldn’t reveal the truth of who she was. That disparity between how she was seen and how she felt left her feeling dizzy, torn apart and left ragged until along came her first true love, marriage, _real_ acceptance.

She had a daughter, found a job she loved, and came to understand her true self. Marriage gave her the courage to embrace her womanhood and come out to her friends, and with her resulting transition came a new frontier that she’d plunged headfirst into with her wife in hand and Afterglow at her side.

Then her wife passed away. The rest was a blur; the funeral, the flowers, the mourning. It was all just a blur of hopelessness and grief too deep to do anything but drown in. Only recently, now that the wounds had slowly begun turning to scars, had she been able to finally move on.

Now that she was a widower, things were different. It was a brave new world of dating, and she’d apparently long-since forgotten how to talk to women. Nevermind that she had four best friends to coach and hover over her like hawks every time she went to a singles event. Nevermind that she’d already been _married_ , goddamnit.

Once upon a time, women had swooned if she so much as said hey. Now if Tomoe saw someone who so much as made her heart flutter, she froze up and acted with all the grace of a deer dying on the side of the road after being hit by a particularly svelte-looking SUV. It had been the overture of her love life for years now, and it was getting exhausting even for her.

Young love had come easy, sweet nothings and longing stares shared like the warmest light she’d ever known. But back then, things had been so much simpler. Now she was just struggling to learn how to be herself, not to mention a _mom_. Dating on top of single motherhood had just proved to be disaster after disaster.

Worst of all, someone had found out about her newest unfortunate crush. And it was _Moca Aoba._

“You’re such an idiot, Tomo-chin.”

“Have you _seen_ her!?”

Moca rolled his eyes dramatically as he splayed himself across the passenger seat of Tomoe’s car, head lolled back and half a melon bun resting in hand. Were this any other occasion Tomoe might have chewed him out for the crumbs he was scattering across the upholstery, but right now…

Well, a few crumbs paled in comparison to the aura of the woman who’d baked them.

“At the rate Moca-chan eats these things?” He took a bite to punctuate the point, or maybe just because he was hungry. It was impossible to tell these things with Moca Aoba. “ _Plenty._ Just go say something, you’re killing me here.”

“She’s married, Moca.”

“ _Seperated_ ,” Moca quickly corrected with a gravitas that made him seem like the world’s most useless sage. “What’s a few divorce papers in the face of true love~?”

“Spoken like a true aro,” Tomoe deadpanned.

“Hey, I have _objectivity_ here,” Moca replied with faux-exasperation in his voice. “Does an art critic paint?”

“I don’t know, probably?”

“ _Wrong._ I need smarter friends,” Moca lamented in turn. “If Tsugu were here she’d know better than to doubt the great and powerful Moca-chan!”

“Tsugu has better things to do, Moca.”

“Better than stalking your crush without even bothering to say hey? No kidding.”

Tomoe blanched as Moca called out the lovelorn stare she’d been aiming straight at Saya Yamabuki, who was seated on a bench by the daycare their children shared as she chatted with some other moms. In the distance children screamed and ran about the playground, trying to eek out the last drops of enjoyment from their day before they were dragged home for dinner by their beleaguered parents.

Silently, Tomoe cursed her work for making her come in tonight and drag stupid, nosy Moca along as her babysitter.

“Divorce is serious business, I’m not going to just… swoop in and steal the girl. She’s divorcing her _husband_ , by the way!”

Moca rolled his eyes. “Oh please, I’ve seen the way she runs herself ragged. Girl’s got an inner lesbian inside of her, I bet she just needs a suave butch girl to sweep her off her feet and take her out to a tastefully risqué romance movie. Pamper her a bit, you know? Just pull out some of that old Tomo-chin charm, you’d be doing her a favor~”

“ _Moca._ We’re going to stay here and we’re going to wait for Ako. Then we’re leaving.”

Moca let out a childish _pfft_ as he reached across the console and yanked the keys from the car, stopping the engine and leaving the two of them ensconced in a blanket of silence. Tomoe lunged towards Moca to try snatching them back, but all she accomplished in doing so was beginning a juvenile wrestling match as Moca dangled the keyring out of her reach.

“Just go talk to her!” Moca shouted with a snicker for effect as Tomoe reached in vain for the keys. “She sure doesn’t _look_ straight!”

“Give them back, Moca!-”

Just that moment, Tomoe about to put Moca in a headlock and Moca getting ready to throw the keys out the window, the two of them heard a knock from the driver’s side and froze instantaneously. Nervously, Tomoe craned her head around to face the noise, only to find herself eye to eye with her greatest fear.

Saya Yamabuki, staring the two of them dead-on with a wryly amused smile painted on her face that sent Tomoe’s heart racing.

Whipping back towards Moca, Tomoe mouthed ‘ _Give them back.’_ with enough venom to put down an elephant. She was only met with a faux-innocent look from Moca, though, who motioned towards Saya with a polite wave.

Tomoe snatched the keys back anyways, earning an indignant _‘Hey!’_ from Moca that was promptly ignored. She cleared her throat and opened the window, her throat dry and parched as she thought of what to say.

“Is, uh… everything okay?” Saya said, evidently pitying Tomoe enough to not bother waiting for her open mouth to formulate any words. “You two looked like you might need a hand.”

“Sayaaaaa~” Moca replied, his hands reaching out for her theatrically. “Poor, defenseless Moca-chan is being attacked~ Heeeelp~”

Saya rolled her eyes in reply, though she was clearly amused. “Not likely, bread boy.” She turned to Tomoe, leveling her a sympathetic look as she leaned forward on the window. “You must have the patience of a saint to be friends with Moca Aoba.”

“I’m right here,” Moca replied with a theatrical pout before seemingly giving up on the act and throwing himself forward, his arm around Tomoe. “Saya, this is Tomoe Udagawa, or Tomo-chin if you have embarrassing Christmas photos of her. Tomo-chin, this is… well, I don’t think you need that introduction, actually~”

Tomoe’s face went a bright scarlet, but thankfully Saya hadn’t seemed to catch onto Moca’s teasing.

“You talk about your baker that much, huh?” She turned back to Tomoe, reaching out a perfectly manicured hand. “It’s lovely to meet you, Tomoe. You have a kid here, I take it?”

Tomoe stared for a brief moment, until a well-placed elbow from Moca brought her crashing back down to reality long enough to return the handshake, if somewhat sheepishly.

“I do, Moca’s babysitting for the evening but I wound up having time to at least pick Ako up.”

“Cute name,” Saya replied with a faint giggle. “If everything’s all good I think I’ll head back over, would you two care to join?”

“Nah,” Moca replied in his practiced lackadaisical voice as he reclined his seat and stretched out. “I’ve got some literature to catch up on.” He produced a manga volume seemingly out of thin air, waving it around for effect and delivering a none-too-sly wink at Tomoe, who just rolled her eyes.

Moca’s particular brand of wingmanning had never been what some would call _subtle_ , but it was effective in its own way - Tomoe had to begrudgingly give him that much as she got out of the car and walked with Saya along the sidewalk between the parking lot and the daycare’s playground. She immediately caught sight of Ako’s distinctive hair, tied into those familiar lavender pigtails as she chased around some poor boy, all the while yelling something or other about sorcery.

“Is she yours?” Saya said, having followed Tomoe’s line of sight. “She’s adorable.”

“She’s a handful, more like,” Tomoe replied with a weary laugh. “Moca’s the only person I can trust to leave her alone with.”

“Why him?”

“Ako terrorizes everyone else.”

“Oh, I know how that goes,” Saya added wryly. “My kids are a handful and a half. Last time I tried to get them a babysitter, she called me sobbing within the hour.”

Tomoe blanched. “What did they do?”

“They put superglue in her hair,” Saya elaborated with a grimace. The shock of the statement was enough to make Tomoe stifle a laugh, but judging by the wryly amused look on Saya’s face, she didn’t need to worry all that much about being judged for finding the thought more amusing than she’d have cared to admit.

The two of them descended into silence as they walked along, eventually reaching a bench on the outskirts of the playground. In the chilly air, birds called out to one another as the wind whistled and whipped all around them. Summer had only recently turned to autumn, and the world around them was still struggling to brace for the cold. Kids stumbled around in their boots and jackets, and even Tomoe found herself tugging her leather jacket tighter to her body.

Clad in a pure white shawl like winter’s first pristine snow, Saya found her perch on the bench and motioned for Tomoe to join her. She looked far too ethereal and serene against the backdrop of autumn colors that made up the backdrop, and Tomoe was left in awe as she joined Saya on the bench.

“So, I should probably ask how you know Moca.”

Tomoe rolled her eyes as soon as the words left Saya’s lips, just the mention of Moca’s name far more than enough to bring her back down to reality.

“Not much to say, I’ve always known him. We had a band with our other friends back in high school and college. Fun times.”

“You sound sarcastic about that,” Saya remarked with a faint laugh.

“Nah, I’m not. It’s just a distant memory, you know? All I have to remember it now are a bunch of best friends who never see each other because we’re old and boring like that. At least Moca never stopped having anything better to do,” she added slyly.

“Besides bother me for free food,” Saya concurred. They shared a laugh as they continued trading stories at their mutual friend’s expense. In the distance, the sun dipped ever lower behind a horizon that stretched out endlessly in front of them.

Truthfully, Tomoe had been caught off guard by how comfortable she felt around this new presence. Her weary mind was braced to mess up, to say something stupid and ruin this nice new thing she’d found herself. Something about Saya felt like home, though, and that anomalous familiarity she felt for the near-stranger sitting beside her was almost enough to make her feel like her old self - whether the feeling was thanks to Saya’s warm personality or her motherly appearance, Tomoe couldn’t quite say.

Regardless, the comfortable back and forth they’d settled into was short-lived. Before Tomoe could finish regaling Saya with the story of how Moca thought it would be a good idea to try stage-diving at a bar in Sapporo and accidentally started a mosh pit, she was interrupted by the ring of the bell signalling the day’s end. Tomoe cursed her luck, but she still scooped little Ako up as soon as her daughter came sprinting over, happy as could be.

“Mom! Mom! Guess what!”

Tomoe gave a hearty laugh as she dangled Ako in the air, before helping her back down to the ground.

“What’s up, Ako? Did you stick your finger in a fire ant hole again?”

“Even better!” Ako shouted. “I found new minions!”

Turning to Saya, Tomoe met her bemused look with a sheepish laugh.

“She means friends, I promise.”

Right on cue, two small kids who looked around Ako’s age rushed forward towards Saya, sticks poking out of a makeshift headband in attempt at resembling what Tomoe presumed were monstrous horns.

“Mom! Mom! We’re familiars!”

Tomoe and Saya had a good laugh as their kids spelled out their convoluted story between gasps of air, most all of it going in one ear and right out the other - after the third mention of world domination, Tomoe had gotten the gist anyways. After only a few moments, Saya’s two children sprinted off again, shouting something about saying goodbye to another friend only after performing some arcane ritual with Ako as their send-off to her. Tomoe rolled her eyes, but the bit was so _Ako_ that she couldn’t help but be endeared by it - she could scold Ako for corrupting the other children later.

More important to contend with than that was the issue of Saya, and Ako wasn’t exactly helping with the way she was still droning on. Looking back towards Moca, Tomoe made a split decision.

"We’d love to hear more about your minions, but Mom needs a minute. Go run along to your uncle Moca and tell him, okay?"

Ako looked off in the distance and paled.

"Mom, I don't like uncle Moca."

Ako spoke so matter-of-factly that Tomoe found herself thrown off her rhythm entirely - what little Saya had rendered left, anyways.

"Now why is that?" she asked with theatrically furled brows like she were playing a soothsayer in some made-up scenario reminiscent of so many afternoons spent roleplaying Ako’s wild fantasies.

"Because he looks like he knows something I don't."

That got a stifled laugh from Saya, who looked like she was trying to maintain her composure. In the distance, Moca waved lazily. Tomoe heaved a sigh.

"He's not going to cast a spell on you, if that's what you're worried about," she replied. "You two can get pizza tonight, though… if you go over there and play nice with him."

That was enough to send Ako scurrying without another word, prompting Saya to finally let loose the fit of laughter dammed up in her chest, her hand coming up to cover her mouth in a way that stole Tomoe's breath.

"How old is she again?"

"Four going on a hundred. Maybe a few more, I lost count."

“At least she’s easy to please,” Saya replied with a wry smile. Tomoe only laughed wearily.

“Yeah, sometimes. Most of the time she’s petulant, and then some. I feel like I should know how to be a good parent to her by now, but…”

“No one knows,” Saya concluded sagely as she leaned back, interrogating the pinks that streaked across the sky, coloring it in to match the warm hues of her hair. “Being a mom is about as far from a science as you can get.”

“Well, it’s still a bit of a mystery to me all the same. I’m scared of the day she grows up and I’m not prepared, you know?”

Saya lolled her head to the side, meeting Tomoe’s forlorn gaze with a curious look in return. “What scares you about it?”

Tomoe exhaled through her nostrils. “Clothes, makeup. All those weird, frilly dresses she likes because they make her look like a sorceress. That kind of stuff.” The thought inspired a weary laugh. “I’m not sure how obvious it is, but I’m still learning how to be a woman myself, and I’m more butch than anything else. She’s gonna outpace me on that front someday,” she concluded wryly.

Saya was silent for a moment as she searched in vain for some deeper meaning behind the turquoise of Tomoe’s irises. Only after a moment did she speak, slow and measured as the words formed on her tongue one by one. “Are you…”

“Trans?” Saya nodded. “Yeah.”

“Can’t be easy,” Saya replied with a playful whistle for effect. Tomoe laughed, a tension in her muscles that she hadn’t even noticed escaping now that she’d gotten that bit of information out into the open. She passed pretty well these days, but that was never a guarantee the conversation would go well.

“It’s not so bad. I’m at a place where I feel pretty good about myself, you know? Ako’s a different story. This would all be so much simpler if I didn’t have her to worry about, but I wouldn’t trade any of it for the world.”

Saya leaned to her side, delivering a gentle shoulder bump. “Maybe I can lend a hand? I know my way around all that stuff pretty well, you know. I could pass on some tips, give you a hand if you ever need one.”

“You’d do that?” Tomoe looked to Saya, who nodded resolutely.

“It’s nothing, really. Besides, Moca’s mentioned you before. Says you’re a really good mom. It kind of makes me feel like I’ve known you for longer than I have, I suppose.”

“For what it’s worth, that’s the feeling I get talking to you too,” Tomoe replied. “It feels…”

“Natural?”

“Yeah.”

A breeze blew between them in that moment, connecting them with a thin string that dissipated as quickly as it appeared. The wind lolled gently, the autumn leaves swaying back and forth like an ocean set ablaze in pitch oranges and reds.

“By the way… Moca’s really been talking about me, huh?” Tomoe offered up a ghost of a smirk at the thought. “I’ll have to hold that one over his head.”

“Please do,” Saya replied humoredly. “I’m sure he needs the ego check of someone else knowing how much he cares.”

A lull settled over the conversation for a moment as Tomoe pondered something, a stray hand brushing itself through the crimson of her hair, only recently grown out past her shoulders.

“Did he say anything else about me?”

The words flowed smooth like honey, but there was a quaver masked with the faux-laid back demeanor Tomoe had always worn so well. Afterglow had seen the best and worst of her over the years, and the prospect of Moca dishing the dirt made Tomoe apprehensive.

Saya looked toward Tomoe curiously, her expression soft and gentle.

“He… told me about your wife. I’m sorry.”

There it was. Tomoe smiled sadly. She blinked once, then twice, then turned back to the sky where the horizon was quickly taking on the color of the trees. The light bended and refracted around the jungle gym in front of them, silhouetting each metal bar with golden hues.

“It’s okay, I’m just sorry you had to hear about it. I have a lot of stories that are more fun, I promise.”

She cracked the joke hoping it would lighten the mood, but Saya looked serious as she looked to Tomoe. Even sitting, their height difference was made palpable by the way that her eyes pointed upward to meet Tomoe’s own.

“Can I ask something, Tomoe?” When Saya received a nod in reply, her expression softened as she swallowed a lump in her throat. “Does it get any less lonely? After someone leaves your life?”

Tomoe turned to Saya and saw an entire constellation of emotions, hope and sorrow and exhaustion all swirled together into something as infinite and beautiful as the Milky Way itself. Tomoe could see a million imagined scenarios that Moca had outlined in vague terms for her, fights and ultimatums full of venom as a marriage fell apart. It was exhausting, but in all that heartache she also saw a reflection of all those lonely nights spent seeking solace in the bottom of a shot glass, and it warmed her more than the alcohol ever had.

“It doesn’t, but then you see your kid growing into their own person, and you start seeing little bits and pieces of that person you loved in them. The way they laughed, the glint in their eyes, all those things that remind you why you fell in love in the first place. And then you find it in yourself to move on. That’s when the healing starts.”

Saya didn’t reply, at least not at first. When Tomoe turned to face her, she was met with a face streaked with tears, porcelain skin dampened and stained. Panicking, Tomoe reached forward to gently wipe a tear away, prompting a light crimson to bloom where Saya’s tears had watered her cheeks. They stared at each other for a few moments, taken aback by the magnetism between them, until at last Tomoe awkwardly pulled back with a cough.

“I- I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you, I just…”

“No, no,” Saya interrupted, waving her hands in the air sheepishly. “What you said was just really beautiful.”

“Well, it’s easier said than done,” Tomoe replied wearily. “I’ve already gone through the worst of it.”

“I’ll let you know when I’m done doing the same.” Saya sighed, a long exhale with an endless weight to the air that departed her lips for the crisp autumn air.

“Been rough lately?” Tomoe gave Saya an empathetic look.

“You could say that,” Saya replied sarcastically. A stray hand wiped the last tear from her face, leaving her looking no worse for wear bar the puffy red of her eyes. “Truth be told, I was… curious about you when I heard from Moca about things. I can’t help but be jealous of someone who’s already walked through hell and come out as sweet as you. You know?”

“You’re giving me too much credit,” Tomoe said sheepishly. “We all just do what we can, yeah?”

“Yeah. It’s not quite what you’ve been through, but…”

“Divorce isn’t any easier. Harder, I can only imagine.”

Saya’s eyes went wide. “Did Moca...?”

“Yeah,” Tomoe replied with a laugh. “He gets around, I guess.”

“I’ve confided in him more times than I’d like,” Saya admitted. “It was hard to keep it together when he came in complaining that his bun tasted too salty.” She chased the anecdote down with a weary laugh, one that seemingly came at her own expense as much as her sorrow’s.

“Well, he’s a good person to lean on. I’d know,” Tomoe cracked. “And I’m here if you need me too, okay? I know it’s probably weird of me to say considering we just met, but…”

“It’s an incredibly kind thing of you to say,” Saya interrupted. “Don’t worry, I’m happy Moca got the two of us to… talk.” Saya’s eyebrows furled for one second, then for two, until finally she burst into a fit of giggles out of thin air. Tomoe just looked on as the heaves of laughter racked Saya’s body, leaving her breathless as she wiped yet another tear from her eye.

“Is… everything okay?”

“I don’t know about you,” Saya finally replied between heavy inhales, “but I think he played us here.”

“How so?”

“I mean, he tells our life stories and then gets us alone? What do you think?”

_Ah._

As soon as it all clicked, Tomoe’s eyes rolled. Sure, she knew what he’d been up to, but the realization that he’d been secretly putting so much time into matchmaking for the two of them was aggressively _Moca_ to the extent that Tomoe couldn’t help but chuckle under her breath.

“Moca likes to play god, what can I say?”

“Or Cupid, at least.”

Saya leveled a sly smile at Tomoe, one that left her eyes wide as Saya’s kids returned, worn thin by whatever mayhem they’d been stirring in the meantime. Tomoe looked on at Saya, in awe at the way she instantly shifted modes; where only a minute ago she’d been crying, then _flirting_ of all things, now she carried a smile as warm and nourishing as the sun itself. She held her two children tightly before turning back to Tomoe, that same smile still etched across her face. As Tomoe stood entranced, she felt as though something deeply personal were being shared with her, the thought enough to make the corners of her lips curl upward in return.

“I guess this is my cue,” Saya spoke. “I’m… sorry about just then. I realize it was out of the blue for you.”

“Don’t worry,” Tomoe replied entirely sincerely. “If anyone knows how it is, it’s me. Besides, it gives us something in common. Will I see you around?”

The words came out as naturally as could be, and a faint blush traced itself across Saya’s cheeks.

“I could… get in touch. About clothes and makeup and stuff,” she added playfully - the conclusion wasn’t hard for Tomoe to draw on her own. “Maybe I could get your number?”

“I’d like that a lot,” Tomoe said. Though she maintained a casual veneer, inside she whooped and hollered as she typed her number into Saya’s phone and got that inevitable confirmation text - one that came with a winking face for good measure. Fireworks were just about going off in Tomoe’s eyes.

And as Saya’s children tugged on the sleeves of her blouse, the two of them said their goodbyes. With the moment carrying a newfound significance now that they had something concrete tying them together, Tomoe felt as though she’d regret it if she didn’t etch every single vivid detail into her memory. Yet before she could memorize the soft contours of Saya’s face, of the way the hair in her ponytail curled and fell on her shoulder so alluringly, Tomoe’s gaze met Saya’s back instead as her latest crush walked away.

That was, until Saya turned back with a playful lit to her face.

“Oh, and have Moca swing by the bakery sometime this week. There’s free loaves in it for the both of you, if you have the time to pay me the visit.”

She fired off a wink like she was a six-shooter, bowling Tomoe clean over as she finally walked away, kids in hand. All Tomoe could do was return to her own car, meeting Moca’s shit-eating grin with an indignant middle finger as soon as her daughter’s back was turned.

“Have a good time over there? I expect payment for my services, you know~”

“If you and Ako both survive the night without killing each other?” Tomoe smiled despite herself. “Yeah, I’ve got something in mind.”

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to drop me a follow [on Twitter](https://twitter.com/safeharbored)! I don't bite, I swear.


End file.
